Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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