evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
