I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
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