Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
