and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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