I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
