Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
