Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize