She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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