He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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