You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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