I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
