Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
