i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
