You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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