I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
