I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
