1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
