Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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