Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
