that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
