his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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