I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
