toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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