I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
this hospital has no fireball
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
