I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
