Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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