Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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