If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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