my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
