There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
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