I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
