The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
