I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize