I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
