i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
