Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
