we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
