I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
