I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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