Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
