and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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