Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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