I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
