I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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