twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I FOUND THE LEGS
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
