So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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