I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
