Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
