Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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