I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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