yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
