i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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