i wish my penis had a tongue
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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