after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
