so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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