Umm I'm too high to move.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
he puts the penis in happiness.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
