I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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