I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
