Define "chronic" masturbator.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
