You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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