Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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