hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
smell my finger.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
